“ The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” ~ Carl Jung
As our daughter turned 16, I invited my husband to to pen his thoughts and wishes for our daughter. He struggled a little before coming up with this piece.
The Emperor
Years ago, my daughter’s piano teacher posed a simple question: “What is your favorite piano piece?” Without hesitation, I mentioned Beethoven’s ‘Emperor,’ performed by Dana, referring to the renowned composer’s unforgettable piano concerto.
Fast forward to 2024. One night, I heard my daughter tinkering on the piano. She struggled to play two of the exam pieces that she had played effortlessly to pass her Grade 8 piano with Distinction few years back. She was relaxing and still enjoy tinkering on the piano, playing Taylor Swift songs, church choruses and yes, her exam pieces from years back. Probably the last set of classical piano pieces that she will learn since 2 years back when we asked her what interest she’d like to seriously pursue – canoeing or piano. She had chosen canoeing and decided to continue playing piano recreationally on her own.
I knew then that that time had come to make that difficult decision – not for her, but for me. So there I rang her piano teacher to announce our difficult decision to stop her piano lessons to allow her to devote her time and energy to pursue Canoeing. In so doing, I know I am giving my daughter something which I didn’t have growing up – a choice to pursue her dreams.
With that, the Emperor has eluded me, once again.
The Little Girl
“Daddy, Mommy, I got selected by the school!” Our daughter’s exuberant voice echoed through the house upon her return from a gymnastics trial during Primary 1 Orientation.
As parents, our initial excitement quickly gave way to apprehension when we reviewed the demanding training schedule – three afternoons a week, starting from Primary 1 and likely to intensify over time. While we knew our daughter possessed a natural athleticism and enthusiasm for sports, having her ‘path’ determined at such a young age contradicted our parenting philosophy.
With heavy hearts, we made the difficult decision to decline the opportunity, gently explaining to our daughter that we wanted her to have the freedom to explore various interests as she grew older.
Months later, history repeated itself when the school conducted another trial during a PE lesson, and once again, our daughter was “selected.” Though we could sense her disappointment, we stood by our decision, grappling with feelings of parental guilt and inadequacy.
Navigating these moments challenged us as parents, but we remained steadfast in our belief that allowing our daughter the autonomy to choose her own path was ultimately in her best interest.
The Dream
Growing up, my world revolved around the grand stages of concert halls, where I found myself immersed in the melodies of classical music as a member of the State Orchestra and Symphonic Band. The experience ignited a profound passion for classical music within me, sparking dreams of pursuing a career as a professional flautist or even a conductor.
Yet, as the eldest child of a widow, I bore responsibilities and obligations that steered me away from my musical aspirations. Instead of following my heart’s desire, I chose a path that seemed more conventional, only to realize midway through my career that it wasn’t aligned with my true calling in life.
The Journey
So when it came to my daughter, I couldn’t help but harbor a little wistful dream deep within me—that perhaps, just perhaps, she might embrace my own unfulfilled aspirations as her own.
However, as it often happens in life, reality proved more complex than my hopes. My daughter, with her boundless energy and diverse talents and interests, was a force unto herself. Navigating the journey of helping her discover her own dreams wasn’t a straightforward task. It required delicate balance—a dance between letting go of my own dreams for her and wholeheartedly supporting her as she forged her own path in life.
Here’s how we approached this intricate balancing act:
One of my highlights was when Dana and I were featured in the Straits Times as part of the 2023 OCBC cycle – something which we’ve done since she was 4. Read the article here.
- Give Time:
We allowed her time to mature and pay heed to her preferences. From her episode with her gymnastic trials, we learnt that while she may have fit others’ criteria, we wanted to make sure that she is given time to find something that fits HER own criteria of what she is truly passionate about. Therefore, we made a conscious decision to step back and give her the space to explore and discover something that resonated deeply with her own needs and aspirations.
2. Give Variety:
We made a concerted effort to expose our daughter to a wide range of interests, providing her with opportunities to explore and discover her strengths. Recognizing her natural talents in both kinesthetic and musical realms, we enrolled her in piano lessons and encouraged her participation in choir as a CCA. During her lower primary years, she attended weekly gymnastics lessons, art lessons and we also cycled and swam as a family on weekends.
Beyond these, we also introduced her to new experiences during our travels. For instance, our trips to Hokkaido allowed her to try skiing, opening up yet another avenue for exploration.
By offering her this variety of experiences, we hoped to cultivate a well-rounded understanding of her interests and strengths, allowing her to uncover her passions organically.
Over the years, our daughter flourished in various pursuits. Her dedication to piano was evident in her remarkable progress and enjoyment of the instrument. In the choir, her voice resonated beautifully, bringing joy to those who listened. On the slopes, she effortlessly excelled in skiing, quickly advancing to an advanced level at the age of 11.
Yet, it was during the unexpected circumstances of the Covid pandemic in 2020 that she found her true calling. Introduced to canoeing during this time, she discovered a passion that ignited her spirit like never before. It was in the rhythmic strokes of the paddle, the connection with nature, and the sense of freedom on the water that she found her true sense of fulfillment.
3. Give Space to Fail and Fall:
We firmly believe in nurturing self-efficacy in our children—the belief that they have the capacity to make choices, take action, and pursue their goals, regardless of the outcomes. While it can be tempting to hover over them, making decisions on their behalf and shielding them from failure, we recognize the importance of allowing them the space to falter and stumble.
Just like a young butterfly emerging from its cocoon, our children must experience their own struggles in order to develop the strength to soar. It is through facing adversity, encountering heartaches, and learning from failures that they cultivate resilience, confidence, and discernment.
As parents, it is our responsibility to provide support and guidance, but also to step back when necessary, allowing our children the freedom to navigate life’s challenges on their own. In doing so, we empower them to develop the skills and mindset needed to thrive in an ever-changing world.
4. Give Support:
From sending her for pre-dawn training sessions at 6:30am to fetching her back home after evening practices at 7:30pm, once I’ve released my own self-imposed expectations on my daughter, I felt liberated to give my full support to help her realise her aspirations.
Today, instead of the cushy, air-conditioned comfort of concert halls, I found myself immersed in the gritty, sun-soaked terrain of reservoirs and riverbeds, cheering her on as she propelled herself towards her dreams with each powerful stroke of the paddle.
The Gift
The wisdom imparted by her National Team Coach resonates profoundly with us: “Children make choices. Parents make sacrifices.”
As our daughter transitions into young adulthood at 16, our gift to her extends far beyond the mere development of talent. We offer her the invaluable gift of self-discovery and self-efficacy. Through the diverse opportunities we provide, she will navigate her own path, empowered to make choices and pursue her dreams with confidence.
Amidst the challenges that lie ahead, she will always find solace in the unwavering love and support of Mommy and Daddy. Our hearts will forever hold her dreams close, serving as beacons of encouragement as she embarks on her journey.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!
What a beautiful, heartfelt post that draws from so deep within. As I read through the post, even before I saw the National Team Coach’s words, I was just touched by all the sacrifices you two have made to give Dana so many opportunities, from music lessons to travelling and sports experiences, just to let her try a wide spectrum so that they can find her passion. The toughest part indeed, is letting her go, to fly (or in this case, paddle) when she has found it. Well done, David and Angie – this is a lesson all of us parents have to learn. Thanks so much for sharing. Your children are blessed indeed.
Thank you for taking time to affirm us. We hope it encourages others too if they do share the same struggles as us. Indeed, the toughest part is finding the balance. Parenting is a never ending journey and your encouragement will certainly spur us on. Thank you.