It’s not just sleepless nights that cause parents to argue – divided opinion on parenting can also cause us to snap at our spouses. One of the toughest challenges as a married couple is when we do not see eye to eye on issues pertaining to number one, finances and number two, raising our children. Sometimes, you can clearly state your rationale but your spouse (note the lack of endearing term here) disagree because he/she thinks her viewpoints ought to be validated too.
In fact, it doesn’t get easier when our children grow older. Most of the time, the disagreements arise because both parents have the best interest of the children at heart. No right. No wrong. Everything is gray? Surely not!
From screen time to bedtime and to waking up time. Too much play? Not enough play? Too much sun or not enough sun? The list goes on! We argue over so many things, that ironically, we are both none the wiser. The reasons for these disagreements could be due to our different upbringing, or because men and women value certain things more highly than others. For example, Moms would usually freak out if their toddlers pick up a creepy crawly at the park but Dads would probably dismiss it as not a big deal, in fact, it stimulates their curiosity. I must admit I tend to sweat over the small stuff and my husband always has to remind me to ‘relax’, ‘let go a little’, ‘be less uptight’ to help me put things in perspective.
Nobody said parenting was easy. But talking about the things we disagree on, and trying to reach some kind of workable, peace-keeping compromise, will make things a lot easier.
One of the common tiffs which crops up once in a while, rearing its ugly head in our home is the issue of discipline.
To put things into context: The common discipline topic for parents is whether or not to spank our children (be it using bare hands, the ruler or the cane). Being educators, we have seen many examples of students who have gone astray because of ‘permissive parenting’ so my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to ‘sparing the rod and spoiling the child’ (or at least we think we are, till the disagreements and squabbles emerge).
We have always told our daughter Dana that bad behavior will not be tolerated and if willfully done, she will punished. But we are aware we tread a fine line between punitive discipline and discipline in love. So we find ourselves constantly debating on how severe should the punishments be? Under what circumstances should she be punished? What constitutes fair punishments? Who should go and reconcile (and pray with the daughter) after she’s punished? We found ourselves having different opinions about the appropriateness of the discipline to be meted out. These had led to many late-night “discussions” about whether the she was acting the way she did due to her immaturity or if it was out of sheer disobedience, peer influence or mischief. Recently, I caught her telling a lie in school blatantly to me. Her Daddy wanted to let her off with a verbal warning (he’s always been the more indulgent one) but I felt so disappointed by her action that I insisted she should be caned as a deterrent.
Regrettably, much of our parenting dialogue nowadays, with Dana in formal schooling, has to do with discipline. We are also increasingly conflicted because the use of corporal punishments will be counter-productive as the daughter grows into a tween. I never knew parenting is so much harder after they enter Primary School (and I know even more issues will crop up in their teenage years)! How I wish we can ‘freeze’ time or turn back the clock…
Anyway, I’ve said enough. I’ll would really like to hear from you. Please leave a comment (either here on the blog or in this FB Post) and share with us:
1. Who is the stricter disciplinarian in your home – you or your spouse?
2. What’s your and your spouse’s take on corporal punishment?
3. What are some alternatives to corporal punishment that have worked in your family?
To thank you for your participation, 3 readers will receive a Nestle Goodie Bag (worth S$50).
Nestle Singapore would like to engage parents on a nation-wide discussion through social media platforms on how best to nurture our next generation so feel free to share your views on the different parenting topics you come across under this hastag #nurtureyourchild.
#1 Between me and hubby, we both take turns to play both the good cop and bad cop depending on who caught her being willlfully defiant.
#2 If the offence calls for it, we do use the cane but have to really watch that we don’t discipline in anger as we may get overboard. We always explain why we have to resort to it especially when numerous warnings falls on deaf ears.
#3 We also do time outs and get her to go to her room to reflect about her own actions and taking away of privileges, such as TV or play time.
1. Spouse
2. Yes, sometime it’s necessary. Usually, warning first, subsequent same offence will be corporal punishment.
3. Withdrawal of privileges such as TV time/computer time. This is more so especially they are older now.
1. The father
2. I believe in corporal punishment and she doesn’t. A challenge for parents to punish out of love versus anger.
3. Withholding privileges such as tablet, TV or computer time.
1. Wife in normal situations. Me when things are more dire.
2. No unless reasoning doesn’t work but it’s only light spanking
3. Stern reasoning/ lecturing most of the time. Confiscating of phone is a last resort.
1. Me
2. She will receive corporal punishment (we don’t use cane for now, smack thigh) until she’s about 8yo or thereabouts. Of course the hard smacks are reserved for really bad intentional misbehavior/defiance/rudeness. To ensure the punishment is rational (not done in anger) and fair, before the punishment, I will ask her what is it she did wrong and let her know the gravity of the misconduct and the corresponding no. of smacks she will get & where. I use 1-3-5-7 as my guide so for gross misconduct such as lying or being rude, it’s 7 smacks, for example.
3. I believe humans generally, children included, either pursue pleasure or avoid pain. So punishment should be either delivering pain (corporal punishment) or removal of pleasure. So for certain offenses where I deem not severe enough to warrant corporal punishment such as not keeping her toys after play, I will practice withdrawal of privileges/toys/outings. So for example, if she didn’t keep her toys after playing, those toys will be removed & kept away for 1 week.
1. Who is the stricter disciplinarian in your home – you or your spouse?
My spouse.
2. What’s your and your spouse’s take on corporal punishment?
We hold quite similar views on this. We go for soft approach first. If it’s not working after a few tries, then corporal punishment comes in.
3. What are some alternatives to corporal punishment that have worked in your family?
So far, taking away rewards of TV / play time is working pretty alright for us.
1) I am quicker to discipline and over more minor offenses. Spouse doesn’t bother until some line is crossed then dadzilla rears his ugly temper. Obviously, the kids are more afraid of dad.
2) I spank the butt once when I’ve given warning and still the offense occurs. But I tend to scold more. Dadzilla smacks the hand once. Dadzilla’s smack apparently hurts a thousand times worse than mine.
We bought a cane quite a few years back. Dadzilla waved it around and threatened to use it but never had to. I actually used it once. My heart broke into a million pieces. I threw it away. We now smack or withdraw privileges.
3) Withdrawal of privileges, I find, tend to hurt more than pain. Be it the once I used the cane or the many times we have smacked, the pain hurts something horrible and they cry or withdraw, but after the moment is over, the pain is forgotten and so is the lesson. When we withdraw privileges, however, be it cutting TV time, confiscation of favourite toy/ phone/ tablet, or grounding (eg. not allowed to go on pre-arranged playdate AND letting the other party know why), oh, the pain cuts so deep. And so does the lesson. They tend to remember better.
Having said that, every child is different and we parents need to take time, effort and love to understand our children and learn what motivates them individually. I generally prefer motivation to punishment. Why wait until a wrong is done before we teach? Where possible, I pefer to teach first and keep reinforcing.
1. Father
2. Ok to cane but not in anger. If parent is angry, should move away from child.
3. Depends on age of child, mine are teenagers so a lot of relationship building for trust, and lots of communication.
1. It is hard to say! I think it really depends on the subject matter! Some matters are not that important to me but are important to my hubby, so he will be the strictest in the matters that are close to his hearts! And the opposite holds as well!
2. I don’t believe in corporal punishment. I was fortunate to be raised in such environment and I don’t want my kids to behave because they fear us. They should behave because they respect us! But unfortunately, it is still work in progress and I am not sure I will succeed! Parenting is hard and tougher than I had ever expected! And as they grow older, the journey gets tougher and more lonely.
3. When kids are young, we used time off and reward systrms. As kids are older, we withdraw privileges. We also tried reverse psychology but results were mixed. I guess lead by example would be key too as kids learn from us and our behavior.
1) Spouse
2)i am nay on corporal punishment (i’m a product of corporal punishment gone wrong) and hubby is for it (once they know the pain, they will stop thr behaviour!). But after loads of discussion, he has agreed that we need ti discipline lovingly and not use pain as a punishment. We want the kids to do things out of love, not fear.
3) we withdraw privileges or we have chats with the 3.5yo. We set guidelines and expectations (ours) to manage behaviour. We set parameters. Of course, like every toddler, they will try their luck. Or be nonchalant about the withdrawal of privileges (which irks the crap outta me). But I do find that the more time I spend to explain to him why certain behaviour is not tolerated, the more time I spend involving him in my life (amidst chores and work) and the more time I spend with him, the lesser negative behaviour I encounter. Each child is different, but I think managing expectations and remembering the child is still a child, will help parents to hold back on the corporal punishment.
1. I am the disciplinarian.
2. We believe in caning, but sparingly. When used, use it on the hand. Make sure it’s one quick hard stroke- a sharp pain the child will remember and register well. We also believe caning is also effective up to maybe 9-10 yrs of age. Beyond that age, reasoning,encouragement and exemplary lifestyle from parents would be more effective.
3. Mean what you say and say what you mean is very important. Taking away a child’s favorite toy or game is effective but we make sure some form of explanation is given to the child.( brief and stern one,not the sugar coated ones).
1. I am quicker to discipline (quick hard smack after warning is ignored), but spouse is more severe in discipline (prolonged isolated time-out).
2. Discipline by parents is crucial, especially if they are indulged by grandparents and other caregivers at other times. Someone needs to draw the line, because true love is saying “no” and drawing boundaries.
We are willing to cane if the need calls for it (severe repeated defiance, premeditated lying, putting themselves and others in severe physical danger), but so far they have responded well (repented quickly, complied subsequently) to other forms of punishment (smacking, time-outs) so we have not reached the need for caning (yet?).
We believe that punishment depends on age too. When younger (toddler age), a quick smack is an immediate signal that something they are doing is wrong. Sometimes words don’t get through to them as instantaneously as a physical signal. When older, more reasoning probably works better than physical pain, though sometimes (age 4-5) a smack is still necessary to send home the message.
3. Getting all parties to calm down, getting down to kid’s level and looking them in the eye, speaking firmly but calmly, and getting them to understand why what they did is wrong, and getting them to apologise / make things right with the other person (offer a glass of milk to say sorry, doing something nice for the other person).
Isolated time-outs until they are willing to say sorry and acknowledge their mistake.
1. It depends. I’m mostly with my daughter, so most of the time, I am the one trying to discipline and nip the problem in the bud. Having said that, in terms of being the stricter disciplinarian, it’ll be my spouse.
2. Corporal punishment is required at times, as a form of deterrent against bad behaviour, but I would say there are better alternatives.
3. As my daughter grows, I’ve slowly eschewed corporal punishment and instead, used reflection and writing exercises. My daughter loves to read, so when she behaves poorly, I’ll pen her a note to let her know that it is wrong, how that upsets me, and how she can change. I also ask her to reply me via a note. If the behaviour needs immediate correction, I will have a dialogue there and then (“just-in-time learning”), to reason with her and to understand why she did that. Another method I’ve tried is to reward for good behaviour – rewards can take the form of praises and affirmation, or little treats, like trip to my girl’s favourite ice-cream parlour Creamier. The methods chosen are mostly customised on her learning preferences and general likes.
1. Both of us, with equal intensity where necessary. We don’t do the ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing – we don’t believe in playing one parent against the other, or allowing the children to exploit any one parent.
2. We have two canes at home – shared among three boys. Need I say more?
3. Withdrawal of privileges/toys, time-outs looking at and reflecting upon a ‘house rules’ board we have at home (for the eldest who can read). We also try to play fair. When a situation is caused by more than one party, we punish all who contributed to it, not just the one who first initiated or did the worst thing.
I must add, we believe strongly that corporal punishment has a role to play in disciplining children in families where the children are secure in the knowledge (and experience) of their parents’ love for them. And punishment is always preceded or followed up by a talking-to and explanation/processing-through of why the punishment was meted out.
1. We both are ( poor kids…)
2. We believe in biblical prinćiple of not sparing the rod. That say, this is usually the last resort or when the wilful disobedience is considered severe by both parties ( or dangerous to the child. ) warnings are usually given beforehand, and use of cane is when such warnings have gone unheeded.
After the punishment, we usually asked the child to make sure he or she understands the reason for the punishment and to be appreciative of us teaching them. Then we reaffirm our love for the child by hugging or kissing
We found that the use of cane was more common for younger children, and when ours grew to about 6-7 yo and could be made to understand rights from wrongs, and consequences, we used other method of punishment other than the cane.
3. Removal of privileges works really well instead of cane. We have not used caning for a few years now
1. Both
2. We started off by disciplining with love, thinking that our boy can understand better if we reason things with him and we did not think that it will help by caning a child for the sake of behaving as a good natured child to meet the parents expectation. However, we noticed that the boy had taken things for granted, getting more rebellious when things do not go in his way. For instances when we limit his TV time, he would get angry and would start to wail loudly, throw things around and even beating us with his hands.
This is when we decided to use the cane on him. The caning served as a reminder to our boy that such behaviour is not acceptable and there are alternative ways to express his frustrations instead of this. He was also reminded that he will receive such disciplinary sessions should he behave like this again. The corporal punishment has proved to be useful.
3. (a) Time out until our boy apologise for his act and acknowledge his mistake.
(b) Withdrawal of his privilege to paly with his favourite toys.
To add on, after every disciplinary session, we make sure that we explained to our boy, the reason why papa and mummy are upset with him and it is his action/behaviour that we are upset about. At the end of the day, our boy is assured that papa and mummy still loved him and we hope that he can communicate, talk to us on his wants and needs, so that we do not need to resort to caning. We find it effective to draw the boundaries and state the rules upfront, so then things happen, our boy is able to understand our angry and he will apologise immediately when he crosses the line.
1. I’m the stricter one especially if it’s more serious matters…
2. Well, the both of us grew up with corporal punishment however I prefer and choose not to use it these days.
3. I normally give the “death stare” or the “look of love” and both my son & daughter know that they’ve done something wrong. I rarely spank them on their buttocks but I will not turn to the cane to discipline them.
My kids and I have come to an agreement to always tell me the truth and as long as they tell me the truth I will not scold them but I will tell them that I will certainly not like the matter and all and appreciate that it is not repeated ever again.
Timeout routine should something serious happen and then we speak it out calmly because I rather not act on impulse and do or say something I would live to regret.
1. Me as Policewoman of the Home Ministry
2. I only use the cane (below knees) when the boys were rude/demeaning/put down/backstab to others especially our elders (like trying to trip my mom once or refusing to attend to my parents’ needs or spits at the maid or sticks the tongue out). Started the cane when they were 2 years old. Stopped at 6. Now boys are 13 and 16. Never use the cane for homework or exam results. Exam results are not part of our “discipline” plan.
3. Use to threaten when younger (will tell class teacher how they behaved at home) but now, we just laugh about it with the boys.
Angie and David, Surrender our children everyday to the Almighty. You are both amazing parents. God bless you and the kids, always. tina and adi xx
1. Both of us are.
2. Spare the rod and spoil the child. So yes, we do, when the kids are intentionally defiant or disrespectful.
3. Time-outs in the thinking corner.
1. Both of us are although I am the stricter.
2. We believe in corporal punishment should the need arise. However, with our kids, there was only one event when we had to hit our 18 month old son when he attempted to play with the electric plug. Message taken, so no other situation requiring corporal punishment so far.
3. Having been very strict from the onset, we have realised that the kids are starting to develop early behavioural issues due to our family’s strict upbringing. More and more, our tweenies will need to be reasoned firmly more so than wielding the rod. Learning to let go of the regimental approach and be more consultative; takes a lot of faith and trust.
I disagree with Corporal punishment as I experience it on myself and it had caused an emotional trauma not only on me and on my brother as well. My youngest brother who never got beaten at all yet grow up emotional strong and stable. Meanwhile me and my other younger brother suffer trauma till today. My kids inevitable suffer as my hubby did the same on my elder son. Now he got epilisey and emotional trauma where he can’t sleep well at night. So is this a coincidence or not.. I doubt so as science has shown one who has a bad childhood will grow with them till they are aware like me. I was able to let go (using some technique) else I will bring the same immoral treatment to my kids. I guess my hubby is not awake yet so he still use Corporal punishment which I see it as not LOVE at all but a criminal ACT. Canning is only legal in jail. If you ever want to use cane/rods, pls seek mental or physcistry advice to your action.