On the eve of my 2nd Cancerversary 2020

Every year, as Chinese New Year approaches, I will be reminded that it was the week before CNY of 2018 that I was diagnosed with cancer. This year, it was no different.

‘What a silly thing’, you say, to dwell on it. ‘It’s already over, don’t think about it!’ Others would advise. I don’t really wait for the day to come or anticipate it, but a little mild depression follows me around on the anniversary I have been diagnosed with endometrial cancer.

I try to suppress that sadness that tries to engulf me whenever the date draws near. But I recognize it for what it was – it’s my body’s own physical memory of the trauma, the shock, the Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy op which turned out to be the longest six hours wait ever for my hubby. It’s my body’s way of reminding me why I am daily suffering the side effects of surgical menopause which I have given up explaining to healthy folks who think it’s the same as the menopauses their mums and aunts go through.

I remember those fear-struck nights before my op and the painful recovery immediately after. I am immensely grateful for these past two cancer-free years. I give thanks daily with my children, and try not to let the thistles of life rob me of my joy of being alive, which is tough, because I am already inordinately grateful.

Still…I don’t wish to die (young). I don’t obsess about it, but it would be a lie if I said I never thought about a cancer relapse. I try not to be afraid and wonder whether I could be as graceful as other cancer patients when it’s my turn to bid goodbye. People always say I am strong, but deep within, I crumble. I didn’t ask to be strong. I just want to grow old with my husband and be there to witness my children’s graduation, marriage and childbirth.

I try not to judge myself for feeling this way – gloomy, dark and weepy. This 2nd cancerversary, instead of trying to pretend it was just a blight in my health records, I will do something kind for myself. Go for a long walk. Order a box of nice macarons. I’ll recollect all the friends who have buoyed me up in my times of uncertainty and try to keep cancer in its proper place, the past!