Before we embarked on this adoption journey, we thought that the greatest hurdle was to convince ourselves that the child is ours. After all, there is no biological connection. But, you know what? That’s just hogwash – the moment we carried him in our arms, he is ours. In fact, in the short time span of 4 months, we have almost forgotten that he was adopted. Amazing isn’t it? All these worries about whether we can love the child as our own just dissipate into thin air. In every sense of the word, we feel it, we know it that he is very much our son…without a shadow of a doubt.
Trouble is, the rest of the world doesn’t seem to think so. Occasionally, we do get reminded that he is, well, different.
1. Maternity / Paternity Leave:
Under normal circumstances (you mean his birth is not ‘normal?’), The Ministry of Manpower (MOM) accords 4 months immediate maternity leave to a working Mother and 1 week paternity leave to the Father. For adoption, the adoptive Mom is only entitled to a maximum 1 month’s leave and the Father 1 week. We all know that during the initial days of welcoming a baby home, time is needed to set routines and ease the baby into the family. All new parents (be it biological or adoptive) would testify that this is a very trying period as the baby wakes up multiple times during the night to be fed, burped and lulled back to sleep. Add to that colicky moments and sleep deprivation – which hit both biological and adoptive parents alike so why the discrepancy?
To make matters worse,
2. Granting of Adoption Leave only Months (Many Months) Later…
Yes, not only is the adoption leave significantly shorter for adoptive parents, we have to wait longer to be granted the leave. At the time of writing this post, AJ is turning 4 months old yet we have not been able to apply for adoption leave because of the red tape involved. The law stipulates that “Adoptive mothers who meet the eligibility criteria can start to consume their adoption leave from the date of Court Application (for local child) or issuance of in-principle approval for Dependent’s Pass (for foreign child)”. This denies adoptive parents of the precious window period where the leave is most needed to settle the child when he/she first arrived.
In reality, the adoption leave application will be frowned upon unless the legal paperwork is done which could take anything from 6 to 9 months (don’t get me started on the amount of documents we need to produce to accompany the adoption leave application or the tedious Home Study Report prospective couples undergo before even deemed eligible to adopt). These red tapes add to the challenge of carving dedicated time and space to bond with the baby, settle him into his new routines and help other members in the family (e.g. the older sibling) adapt to the new baby.
Which makes me wonder…how about the biological mother? The irony would be that SHE is enjoying the 4 months maternity leave while the adoptive parents of her child have to wait much much longer while caring for the newborn and juggling work simultaneously.
3. Medical Coverage (or lack of)…
As a child waiting for his adoption to be legalised in the Court, AJ is not able to be covered under any form of insurance. We had sought the advice of many insurers only to be turned away as it was deemed too administratively ‘complex’ and deviates from the ‘norm’. We were advised to wait till his legal paperwork is done before we are allowed to purchase insurance for him. So in the past 4 months, all his medical checks, blood tests, immunizations were paid in cold, hard cash (nope, not even Medisave). Needless to say, since he is still considered ‘nobody’s child’, our employers were unable to accord him any dependent’s benefits for his doctor visits (and if touch wood, hospitalization). We just have to pray doubly hard he remains healthy before he becomes legally ours.
4. The Hamper.
In our respective workplaces, there were no less than 5-6 other colleagues whose babies were born in same month as AJ (or after). The births of their children were quickly followed by rounds of congratulatory emails from the bosses and colleagues. Sadly though, when we informed our bosses of our adoption, there was no congratulatory notes, no hampers, no bouquets – as if adoption is a lesser reason for rejoicing. Honestly, we don’t need the hampers (or gifts) but our baby needs to be acknowledged. Doesn’t every child deserve to be welcomed? While I can understand employers may be tied down by red tape and unable to grant immediate adoption leave, surely, hampers and emails don’t need to be governed by policies right?
5. Then, there are these…
Then, there are those that don’t need red tape of any sort. Over the weekend, we met a senior couple (in their ‘50s) who was visiting our cell group. We have been open to our church friends about AJ’s adoption and grateful for their love and prayers. Imagine our shock when the elderly lady cornered us and started probing us with some very intrusive questions about AJ’s biological parentage and details of our adoption process etc. etc., right in our faces.
An adopted child is a normal child who was born the normal way to a normal mother and therefore in every sense of the word, normal. He deserves the same privilege and acknowledgement as a normal child. In fact, because he was given up for adoption, he deserves more than what a normal child receives – for the simple fact that when he grows up, he has to face a harsh reality most children don’t – the plight that he was being given up at birth is no fault of his.
The adopted child deserves to be granted the same amount of leave (right from his birth) for his adoptive parents to settle his routines and to bond with him and to make multiple trips to the lawyers’ office and the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) for the adoption interviews and to sort out the paperwork. These leave should be granted in-lieu of the eventual completion of the legal process, which takes months. While the process can wait and can be tweaked, the social-emotional needs and welfare of a child can’t.
Employers, friends and family members should accord adoptive families the same treatment, respect and courtesy as with families who are formed ‘normally’.
After all, isn’t an adopted child a ‘normal’ child? If yes, then dispense away with the double standards and be a truly inclusive first-world society we always pride ourselves to be.
Thank you for sharing this and allowing all of us to be more aware of how we can make this world a better place. Sad to say, Singapore really needs to improve and progress faster as a developed country. I do hope that some employers or policy-makers are reading this. Big hugs to you!
pfff…. It angers me to read about such issues with adoption in a efficient society like Singapore. I think you should consider writing to MSF. Or get a petition going. This is simply ridiculous to be “nobody’s child”! Be it adopted or not. busybodies are just everywhere and they are there to haunt us in every step of our parenting journey. We only can grit our teeth the next time and say it none of your freaking business….
Thanks for such a well written post. Like you, I can’t understand why an adopted child and his/her family are treated so different by the government and society. In other countries like France, parents of adoptive children and natural children are given the same rights. It is hard to understand that the rights of an adoptive parent and natural parent are so different. It is also sad that the society in Asia still can’t celebrate the joy of parenthood for an adopted child.
I hope the society will evolve quickly and allows adoptive parents the same rights than other parents. The adoptive child needs his parents as much as any other child. Similarly, the adoptive parents need time to bond with the adoptive child like any other children.
I hope your post will bring more awareness on this subject and helps change the mindset and regulations.
Hi David,
A few months ago, I helped clarify some doubts you had on the provision of paternity leave for adoptive fathers. I remember then that you were upset and mistaken that none was provided, and subsequently relieved that adoptive fathers are indeed granted the same amount of paternity leave as birth fathers due to a relatively recent change in policy.
This shift in policy is something that is still ongoing, and a signal of our society being more sensitive to these needs. It is not, nor do I think it ever will be perfect in everybody’s eyes. You have chosen in your post to take the glass empty approach, where in fact many people have been working very hard to make policies more equitable and fair.
A lot of your gripes hinges on the fact the courts aren’t efficient enough in legalising the adoption of your child, but I suspect the courts have the responsibility to ensure that these procedures are examined with due diligence, especially in a climate of child trafficking. This does have effects on the application of insurance cover and the delay in granting adoption leave, but I just wanted to highlight that there are other considerations at play here. Some would argue that lengthened maternity leave is in large part for the recovery of the mother who has undergone childbirth, and this should be accounted for when awarding maternity leave for adoptive mothers.
I hope this brings to light some of the complexities involved when crafting and implementing policy. I’m no longer with the government, but would be willing to help in any way I can, as I am certain my ex-colleagues within the government have the same heart to serve citizens such as yourself. I only hope you give them the latitude and understanding to do so.
Thanks for leaving your thoughts Lucien.
Adoption is a very private affair and while most couples may prefer to keep it private, we had decided from the onset to share our adoption journey in the hope that it can be used as a catalyst for change to benefit fellow adoptive families after us. In fact, we had just signed some documents in-front of the Commissioner of Oath at MSF recentlty and volunteered to join any adoption focus groups if the Minister should be keen to call one.
As this is a personal blog, all opinions stated here are purely our own, not representative of any factions. But I wish to reiterate that all that we had written are FACTS, REAL-LIFE experiences (and hurdles) that we have gone through and are still going through. We are brimming with joy and thankfulness at our ability to adopt AJ but this joy is muted (or as you chose to call it “empty glass”) not because we fault the courts for its rigor and due diligence needed to legalise the adoption but regrettably, at the inflexibility of the policies and the insensitivity of the people we meet.
FACT: Adoptive fathers are entitled to 1 week’s paternity leave.
REALITY: Some employers are more family-friendly than others and the approval of the paternity leave is at the discretion of the employers. This applies also to the unrecorded childcare leave which our Prime Minister Lee proudly announced at his NDP Rally in 2013. Unfortunately, more often than not, in reality, other organisational factors are placed above the needs of the adopted child before paternity (and childcare) leave are granted and it’s not uncommon to hear of leave applications being frowned upon / rejected. We have some adoptive friends who were granted extra adoption leave over and above their entitlement (bless their employers’ hearts) which proves the point that while policies are dead, the people implementing the policies are not. I must add too that natural fathers get to enjoy paternity leave right after their children’s births, not so the adoptive fathers.
FACT: Long processing time for each adoption case.
REALITY: We fully respect that the legal process takes time. We do not begrudge that, in fact, we have full faith in our judicial system. But how about giving some benefit of the doubt and flexibility for adoptive parents to apply for a few days’ leave(without having to depend on the goodwill of the employers) to bring the baby for immunizations, and to run errands for the paperwork needed as part of the adoption while the legal process is still ongoing? As adults we can prioritise and work around the constraints, but the developmental milestones of a newborn baby waits for no man.
FACT: Many people have been working very hard to make policies more equitable and fair.
REALITY: This we can attest. It used to be that adoptive parents are not entitled to any government paid adoption leave so we definitely appreciate this positive change and we believe more can be done in due time. But for change to take place, there must be people who must be willing to speak up (peaceably) against status quo. Maybe we did not word it the best it should for policy-makers, but it’s from a father’s heart. We understand that policies and red tape cannot be changed overnight, we just hope our experiences can spur everyone to be a little more sensitised to the needs of the adoptive families around us.
yes! I can vouch for what angie is experiencing! There are really companies that do not follow the policies even though it’s already made compulsory. For the record, when i gave birth to my second child, my hb ex company didn’t grant paternity leave. He took leave. And no one in the company wish to sign the approval to grant childcare leave! Can u imagine what happen when i fell sick? He is with a new company now… but they do not grant child care leave too! So… for normal families it’s already hurdles like this.. i can imagine what angie and David have to go through. Jia you! Every child is a gift, but to have such a gift, it’s inevitable we have to suffer a bit, be it the bad morning sickness, child birth pains, or like what angie and david are going through now. I think it’s AJ fortune to have met you both. For you will be his protectors and guardians, for you and dana will show him love and let him love.. hang on! Gambateh and all the best!
I feel very upset for your family just reading this too. You guys have been nothing but generous and loving to this child and yet you have to go through all this sh*t. Easy to say but really hope after writing this all down, both of you feel better and chin up because I’m sure there’s a lot of other people around who support and love your family.
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
I feel for you. It must have been a very tough period for you to handle a newborn baby, paper works, full time work, etc. Just doesn’t make sense of how the policy is made out 🙁
It’s really unbelievable SG is still so much behind on adoption. You should share this well written post to those who makes the policies.
Wow the biological mum gets 4 months? That doesn’t sound very fair! Yes, definitely agree it is not fair that adoptive mum is not given the 4 months maternity leave. Hope that one day that will change!
I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. 🙁 And it angers me that outsiders deem it okay to interrogate you on AJ’s parentage and your history. People need to mind their own business, period.
Hi Angeline and David,
I feel your anguish.
Hang on, we stand by you!
Really appreciate your blogpost, bringing to light the various red-tapes and mindsets.
These are the last things we need to pry our attention away from the most important task, nurturing.
To me, a child is a child, and I am bewildered why policies should segregate, and not celebrate.
We are confident that AJ will enjoy warmth and bliss in your loving family.
cheers, Andy
SengkangBabies
I can only your frustration and angst in this journey! As you shared, thank God this is happening now in 2014 when there’s a bit lesser red tape, and not like the past. Sigh… There’s progress in our land, alas very slowly.
Praying you have a wonderful Christmas and end to the year with all these paperwork!!
*Hugs* just reading about the process makes me feel weary. Boy, it must hav been draining for u folks. There are surely room for improvements within the the gov bodies and among our people, but take heart! I hope sg will be a better place and we’d raise a generation of more civil and sensitive ppl. My heart goes out to aj and ur family. My he grow in strength and favour. Hoping with u for a smoother journey ahead and for things to fall in place soon.
Thank you for sharing, Angie and David. So sorry that you both had to go through this. Coping with a newborn is already difficult enough, so I cannot imagine how much energy must have been sapped from you to have to deal with all the administrative matters. And no full maternity leave?! That’s just plain ridiculous. I also cannot understand why people think they are entitled to answers from you with regard to your decision to adopt! Know that we are all behind you though.
And thank you for sharing this! The next time if i hear a friend become adoptive parents, i will know to congrats them and also some gifts or flowers to keep them warmth with my love!
Big hugs Angie!
With our birth rate going south, adoptive parents should be getting all the support they deserve and more.
Sharing maternity leave (2 months + 2 months) with the birth mother sounds most fair.
Hugs, Angie and David. It’s tough enough as new parents to a newborn, without having to deal with all these other issues. AJ is your child, whether or not you gave birth to him, and it’s really sad that your companies can’t seem to find it in them to show some empathy at the very least. You’ve both done a wonderful thing, and I do hope all the paperwork is completed quickly. As for the really rude old lady, I hope you gave her a piece of your mind, or that your friends did, on your behalf!
Hi Angie and David,
I have been following your blog for quite some time, probably a year or so.
I am always heartened by your heartfelt posts especially recently on the adoption of your little prince, AJ.
I am touched by your love and openness to adopt a child. I hope things will get better in time to come with regards to the policies and red tape. And may more people understand that AJ needs love and care from them too!
Jia you! 🙂
Regards,
Wenqi
Thanks for sharing this post. As an adoptive mum of two young girls, I have had similar experiences as shared. Your post does make me feel very thankful for my wonderful colleagues and bosses who were so supportive even when I suddenly requested to go off on leave to take care of my adoptive baby who would arrive the next day! I guess as you mentioned, we have experienced both overwhelming support and also surprising busybody-ness and intrusiveness.
I don’t really agree though that adoption leave should be the same as maternity leave, and I do agree with Lucien that having the same length of paternity leave (albeit still too short for both adoptive parents and birth parents) is quite a progress – I don’t think this was in place 2 years ago when we adopted our second girl.
Anyway I’d like to just share that adopting our two girls has been the most wonderful experience of our lives and all these negatives here and there cannot dampen our joy! Let’s just continue to educate our friends and the kaypohs (some who in the end also turn out to love our girls a lot) as we learn along the way too!