I finally know why I feel so melancholic in the days leading up to New Year. For me, New Year’s Eve is less about the future than it is about the past year. And 2018 has been tumultuous.
The year jolted to a rude start with my cancer diagnosis. I remember how the news plunged my family into a state of despair yet friends, colleagues and even readers rallied around us (#LoveisaVerb), and gave us strength to face each doc visit. In early Feb, I went through a life-saving 6 hours surgery at Mount Alvernia and was miraculously well-enough to be discharged on CNY Eve, as my good doc (Dr. Douglas Ong) deemed family love as the best kind of rehabilitation. By God’s mercies, I went into remission and was spared from more invasive (and expensive) treatments. But something deep inside my psyche has changed. I live daily with this reality that my cancer may relapse anytime. Some days, this realisation keep me awake at night. Other days, I morphed into a schizophrenic, quick-tempered, razor-tongued monster at home. My self-esteem, already low to begin with, plummeted further. On all counts, it has been nasty especially on my hubby and kids. They bear the brunt of my anger, frustrations and self-piteous outbursts. I seek their forgiveness and forbearance as we start a New Year afresh.
On a brighter note, I thank God for the opportunity to make a all-girls’ trip to Bangkok with my girlfriends in May to celebrate my remission. We brought my Mum on her first trip to Taiwan in June, surprised the kids with a short visit to Cambodia in October and rounded off the year with a DIY vacation to Lapland, Finland. Travelling rejuvenates me. There are still many places in my bucket list to check off, that’s why David uses it as a motivation to nudge me to stay alive. 2018 is also the year where I finally subscribed to Netflix, LiveUp! and Spotify (yeah, slow to the bandwagon, but hey, what joy they bring!)
I will take this New Year’s Eve to number all the goodness God has brought into my life in the midst of trials. If there’s anything triumphant to celebrate, it would be the implicit celebration of primary relationships — families, friends, loved ones, colleagues and neighbours. To all who have stood in the gap, and been a blessing to our little family in one way or another, here’s a toast to a healthy 2019.