{"id":48220,"date":"2020-02-07T09:52:15","date_gmt":"2020-02-07T01:52:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/?p=48220"},"modified":"2020-02-07T10:25:55","modified_gmt":"2020-02-07T02:25:55","slug":"on-the-eve-of-my-2nd-cancerversary-2020","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/2020\/02\/on-the-eve-of-my-2nd-cancerversary-2020\/","title":{"rendered":"On the eve of my 2nd Cancerversary 2020"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Every year, as Chinese New\nYear approaches, I will be reminded that it was the week before CNY of 2018\nthat I was diagnosed with cancer. This year, it was no different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What a silly thing\u2019, you\nsay, to dwell on it. \u2018It\u2019s already over, don\u2019t think about it!\u2019 Others would\nadvise.  I don\u2019t really wait for the day to\ncome or anticipate it, but a little mild depression follows me around on the\nanniversary I have been diagnosed with endometrial cancer.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I try to suppress that sadness that tries to engulf me whenever the date draws near.  But I recognize it for what it was \u2013 it\u2019s my body\u2019s own physical memory of the trauma, the shock, the Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy op which turned out to be the longest six hours wait ever for my hubby. It’s my body’s way of reminding me why I am daily suffering the side effects of surgical menopause which I have given up explaining to healthy folks who think it’s the same as the menopauses their mums and aunts go through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember those fear-struck nights before my op and the painful recovery immediately after.  I am immensely grateful for these past two cancer-free years. I give thanks daily with my children, and try not to let the thistles of life rob me of my joy of being alive, which is tough, because I am already inordinately grateful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still\u2026I don\u2019t wish to die (young).  I don\u2019t obsess about it, but it would be a lie if I said I never thought about a cancer relapse.  I try not to be afraid and wonder whether I could be as graceful as other cancer patients when it\u2019s my turn to bid goodbye. People always say I am strong, but deep within, I crumble. I didn\u2019t ask to be strong. I just want to grow old with my husband and be there to witness my children\u2019s graduation, marriage and childbirth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I try not to judge myself for feeling this way \u2013 gloomy, dark and weepy.  This 2nd cancerversary, instead of trying to pretend it was just a blight in my health records, I will do something kind for myself. Go for a long walk. Order a box of nice macarons. I\u2019ll recollect all the friends who have buoyed me up in my times of uncertainty and try to keep cancer in its proper place, the past!  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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P.S. A cancerversary is the anniversary of a specific time, date or event in the life of a person touched by cancer.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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