{"id":48220,"date":"2020-02-07T09:52:15","date_gmt":"2020-02-07T01:52:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/?p=48220"},"modified":"2020-02-07T10:25:55","modified_gmt":"2020-02-07T02:25:55","slug":"on-the-eve-of-my-2nd-cancerversary-2020","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/2020\/02\/on-the-eve-of-my-2nd-cancerversary-2020\/","title":{"rendered":"On the eve of my 2nd Cancerversary 2020"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
Every year, as Chinese New\nYear approaches, I will be reminded that it was the week before CNY of 2018\nthat I was diagnosed with cancer. This year, it was no different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018What a silly thing\u2019, you\nsay, to dwell on it. \u2018It\u2019s already over, don\u2019t think about it!\u2019 Others would\nadvise. I don\u2019t really wait for the day to\ncome or anticipate it, but a little mild depression follows me around on the\nanniversary I have been diagnosed with endometrial cancer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I try to suppress that sadness that tries to engulf me whenever the date draws near. But I recognize it for what it was \u2013 it\u2019s my body\u2019s own physical memory of the trauma, the shock, the Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy op which turned out to be the longest six hours wait ever for my hubby. It’s my body’s way of reminding me why I am daily suffering the side effects of surgical menopause which I have given up explaining to healthy folks who think it’s the same as the menopauses their mums and aunts go through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember those fear-struck nights before my op and the painful recovery immediately after. I am immensely grateful for these past two cancer-free years. I give thanks daily with my children, and try not to let the thistles of life rob me of my joy of being alive, which is tough, because I am already inordinately grateful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Still\u2026I don\u2019t wish to die (young). I don\u2019t obsess about it, but it would be a lie if I said I never thought about a cancer relapse. I try not to be afraid and wonder whether I could be as graceful as other cancer patients when it\u2019s my turn to bid goodbye. People always say I am strong, but deep within, I crumble. I didn\u2019t ask to be strong. I just want to grow old with my husband and be there to witness my children\u2019s graduation, marriage and childbirth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I try not to judge myself for feeling this way \u2013 gloomy, dark and weepy. This 2nd cancerversary, instead of trying to pretend it was just a blight in my health records, I will do something kind for myself. Go for a long walk. Order a box of nice macarons. I\u2019ll recollect all the friends who have buoyed me up in my times of uncertainty and try to keep cancer in its proper place, the past! <\/p>\n\n\n\n