{"id":42451,"date":"2018-02-20T01:05:28","date_gmt":"2018-02-19T17:05:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/?p=42451"},"modified":"2019-01-01T21:42:15","modified_gmt":"2019-01-01T13:42:15","slug":"wife-diagnosed-cancer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/2018\/02\/wife-diagnosed-cancer\/","title":{"rendered":"When your wife is diagnosed with Cancer\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"

Foreword:<\/strong> Though this post is written from a Christian husband\u2019s perspective, it is my hope to encourage husbands and fathers to be more open in sharing, regardless of faith or religion, so we can better support our spouses in whatever difficult circumstances we may find ourselves thrown in.<\/p>\n

\u201cHusbands, love your wife\u2026\u201d Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Revelation<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry\u2026I think I\u2019m going too fast.\u201d He paused and shifted his glance downwards. The doctor\u2019s pause broke my long uninterrupted stare as he revealed to my wife that she has Cancer (specifically, Endometrial Cancer). Before that, I had no idea how long I was staring at him watching him mouth the dreaded diagnosis and the subsequent treatments that were to follow.<\/p>\n

As I abruptly shifted my gaze away from him, I glanced at my wife. She had started sobbing and I had not even noticed though she was seated next to me \u2013 my mind had gone into epileptic shock – part disbelief, part denial.<\/p>\n

Although we had been pre-empted from Angie\u2019s biopsy, really, nothing sinks in like the real thing. For me, it sank in hard as my Dad died from Cancer when I was barely 13, so I had experienced first-hand how crushing such a diagnosis can be\u2026and now my wife, too has been diagnosed with the same illness that ripped apart my family thirty years ago.<\/p>\n

Immediately, in fact automatically, I went into a protocol that I\u2019m all too familiar with that harked back to the days when we were going through multiple child-losses \u2013 shutting away all my feelings and focusing on how to move-on, how to protect and care for my wife. It\u2019s that same sickening feeling of helplessness, that same feeling when fate has dealt us another blow, except this time, we have two young children in the equation. My mind was switching between thoughts of my wife to my kids. How are we going to break this news to them?  How are we going to help my wife fight this Cancer together?<\/p>\n

\"\"Distraction<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s not rob the kids the joys of celebrating Chinese New Year…\u201d<\/p>\n

My wife has incredible strength and resolve. One that has pulled her through years of heartache when we were trying to conceive and one that has seen her through our multiple child-losses. Her inner strength is one that I can never fathom.<\/p>\n

After a quiet, uneasy lunch where she updated her immediate family members and some close friends over whatsapp about her diagnosis, she agreed on an impromptu visit to Chinatown with the kids \u2013 an annual tradition we started from the time we were married 19 years ago. This time it\u2019s for more than just soaking in the CNY mood or purchasing CNY d\u00e9cor. It was to establish a sense of normalcy while we were still trying to gather our thoughts. <\/p>\n

But that didn\u2019t stop our 10-year-old daughter from popping the question in the car ride.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow was your visit to the doctor, Mummy? What did the doctor say?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was dumbfounded, not quite prepared for her to be asking this so soon and choosing instead to concentrate on negotiating the peak-hour traffic.  The wife surprised me, yet again.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoctor says Mummy has Cancer but don\u2019t have to worry Ok? Mummy is going to get treatment and will get better\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s probably the daughter\u2019s first time hearing the name of that dreaded C and I\u2019m not sure if she has any idea what it is but she was distracted by the lights and street d\u00e9cor as we neared Chinatown. We ended up having a pleasant evening, enjoyed a simple Chicken Rice dinner, bought our 4-year-old son a mini lion dance puppet plus some CNY d\u00e9cor for the daughter to help prep the home for CNY in the coming days.<\/p>\n

Disclosing Cancer to children is hard…and this is only the start of answering many questions that are to come…<\/p>\n

Blame<\/strong><\/p>\n

This I had not expect, neither did my wife. En-route to Chinatown with two lively kids jaunting in the backseat oblivious to the their parents\u2019 inner turmoil, my wife informed me of a certain Christian acquaintance who got wind of her condition and started to text her.<\/p>\n

In her text, this fellow \u2018Christian\u2019 acquaintance claimed that God has given her ‘visions’ that my wife’s life was ‘misaligned’, that she was \u201ccovetous\u201d, \u201cmaterialistic\u201d and “proud”. She also warned my wife that she better repent before worse things befall our family\u2026I was absolutely flabbergasted!<\/p>\n

\u201cWho is she?\u201d \u201cDo you know her well?\u201d \u201cWhy is she saying these things now?\u201d Were the questions I shot at my wife in utter disbelief!<\/p>\n

I was boiling mad. Not only did this person hardly know us personally but she has chosen to take advantage of my wife\u2019s vulnerable state to cast stones by implying that this illness is God\u2019s \u2018punishment\u2019 to her with nary an encouragement. How dare she!<\/p>\n

I am no biblical scholar but suddenly the words of Christ describing the Pharisees like a \u2018brood of vipers\u2019 sprang to mind (Matt. 23:33-NIV). We are all sinners, saved by God’s grace, there is nothing we can do or need to do to gain \u2019favour\u2019 with God except to acknowledge what His son, Jesus Christ has done to atone for our sins. Perhaps this acquaintance should read beyond her John 3:16 to the next verse, John3:17 to get her basic theology right. Indeed, it is through our weaknesses (and sinfulness) that we boast of His grace and power, which is made perfect in. (2 Cr. 12:9).<\/p>\n

In times like these, please do not be self-righteous and confine God to your own interpretation to speak on His behalf. You are not doing the couple any good in this time when they need comfort and assurance most. In fact, you may not be doing yourself any good either as Job\u2019s good friends had found out. It is with this very verse that I told Angie to warn her that unless she stops, she may invoke God\u2019s anger to \u201cburn\u201d against her (Job 42:7).<\/p>\n

Shame<\/strong><\/p>\n

Distraction or not, reality set in soon after. Particularly the next day when I accompanied my wife to her PET\/CT scan. During the 2 hours when she was undergoing her scan, I felt a deep sense of disappointment in myself \u2013 I had not taken good care of my wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf only I had pushed her more to go for scans more regularly\u201d. \u201c If only I had nagged her more.\u201d \u201c If only I had made the appointment and just dragged her there\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n

Since the days of our IVF and subsequently child-losses, the thought of visiting the gynaecologist has always been unpleasant for my wife. These visits had yielded nothing but painful memories. Because of that, I did not really insist on regular visits but fact is that her PCOS condition coupled with all the drugs she had been pumped in starting a family, had made her more susceptible to contracting Endometrial Cancer.  Meeting her family for lunch after the scan exacerbated my sense of shame \u2013 their love for her was so evident, so overflowing that I felt ashamed for not discharging my \u2018duty\u2019 well as a husband.<\/p>\n

The next few nights, we tried to avoid the conversation of the impending surgery, choosing to focus on more \u2018functional\u2019 topics such as household chores and the kids\u2019 schedules.  But that did not stop my shame.<\/p>\n

Anger<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shame evolved into anger. Not out-rightly but it was seething within. Angry at myself and at the situation, and even at God.<\/p>\n

During the weekend before my wife’s surgery, I was on tenterhooks. The reality of my feelings had set in. Shame, anger, frustration, confusion. I tried to hide it from my wife but the kids certainly felt it. Any slight infraction or disobedience had me giving them a tongue-lashing. <\/p>\n

Sunday at church did little help. It was the same sickening feeling when we were childless. It\u2019s surprising how these feelings that I thought had been eradicated were in fact just buried, only to surface again at an opportune time.<\/p>\n

However, the frustration was that this time, we HAD experienced God\u2019s goodness through our challenges in starting a family. Now we are proud and happy parents to two lovely children whom God had blessed us with. Account of Abraham and Isaac at the altar came to mind \u2013 God wants me to return these to Him. Am I willing to return to God what He has given?<\/p>\n

Account of Simon Peter when Christ asked him if he were to desert Christ when those around Him had done so came to mind. \u201cLord, whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.\u201d (John 6: 68 & 69 \u2013 NIV)<\/p>\n

These struggles stirred within. Palpable and real. To make matters worse, there is virtually no one I can turn to who are in similar shoes, very much like during our struggles in starting a family. Every friend I know has a ‘healthy’ wife, just like how everyone we knew then had healthy babies and was fertile as bunnies. I felt excruciatingly…alone.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Conviction<\/strong><\/p>\n

Towards the end of the service, an old hymn was sung. When I heard it, I recalled my late Grandmother, how she used to stand in the old village church in Setiawan, Malaysia worshipping God wholeheartedly, albeit completely out of tune and harmony accompanied by a simple organ and guitar set-up. Nothing fanciful but oh so powerful. Together with her friends, they sang their hearts out despite living through the cruelty of war, poverty and complete uncertainty of their future then. Holding on to nothing except the faith and hope they have in Christ.<\/p>\n

This was the heritage I have come to inherit from my Grandparents and now, it seems that God was reminding me, what am I going to do with this heritage? What spiritual heritage would I leave for my kids?<\/p>\n

He reminded me that beyond just providing love and shelter, one of the highest calling of a Christian parent is to leave a heritage of the knowledge of God and His love. For the first time in a long time, I teared as I walked to collect my car from the church parking lot, acknowledging the difficulty in taking up my cross to follow Christ but yet if we are to say that we love Him, then we have to obey and abide. Nevertheless, I still struggled, asking for this \u2018cup\u2019 to be passed from my family if this is possible.   <\/p>\n

Broken<\/strong><\/p>\n

Monday. The day before my wife was set for the Cancer surgery. On the way to work, the songs \u2018In Control\u2019 and \u2018\u2019Covered\u2019 were playing in the car just like how it had been over the past weekend but this time, it was different. For some reason, I felt the words of the songs speaking directly to me.<\/p>\n

I lift my hands to Heaven<\/em>
\n Here my heart surrendered<\/em>
\n I tell my soul again<\/em>
\n You are Lord of all<\/em>
\n And though the seas are raging<\/em>
\n You will speak and tame them<\/em>
\n In You I find my rest<\/em>
\n You are in control<\/em><\/p>\n