{"id":19882,"date":"2015-06-26T16:19:07","date_gmt":"2015-06-26T08:19:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/?p=19882"},"modified":"2023-02-07T08:13:06","modified_gmt":"2023-02-07T00:13:06","slug":"the-joys-and-challenges-of-child-adoption-in-singapore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifestinymiracles.com\/2015\/06\/the-joys-and-challenges-of-child-adoption-in-singapore\/","title":{"rendered":"The Road Less Travelled \u2013 The Joys and Challenges of Child Adoption in Singapore"},"content":{"rendered":"

23rd June, 2014, the day which I left for work being a father of one and returned home a father of two.  This was my standard reply whenever I was asked how it feels like to adopt a child.<\/p>\n

That was one year ago and three days ago, on June 23, Alexander turned 1. I\u2019m proud and overjoyed to call him my son in every sense of the word.<\/p>\n

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While his birthday, like any child\u2019s, is a time to celebrate the joy of welcoming the newest member to the family and to acknowledge the blessings, love and help from friends and family, for us, it is also a overcoming of multiple hurdles we faced throughout the entire adoption process.  <\/p>\n

1. Facing your own Giants<\/strong> <\/p>\n

We first had to overcome our personal bias as prospective adoptive parents. Initially, when the possibility of adoption was raised, we were not sure if we were able to love a child who is not biologically ours as our own. We were worried if family, friends (or neighbours) would gossip about the child. There were also valid concerns of health, biological parents’ background, genetics etc. Practically, there were hefty costs to be considered. Spiritually,  there were also the question of faith \u2013 Does God approve of adoption? Are we being faithless if we adopt? Could it be God’s will that we remain childless? So many questions require us to face our giants of insecurity squarely in the face. <\/p>\n

We spent many nights having long, open conversations with each other and eventually came to the conclusion together that with our backgrounds as educators and our shared experiences of child-losses, that we would be able to love any child that God brings into our home, as our own. Through the process, we addressed the prejudices by being brutally honest to ourselves. We were also non-judgmental, choosing to listen and respect our spouse’s opinions.<\/p>\n

As part of these conversations, we also spoke to our immediate family members to get their blessings. We were taken by surprise that they were all very ready and supportive. By divine appointment, we also came to know two senior pastors in the church who had also adopted. We were very much enlightened by their life stories to know that adoption is actually well within God\u2019s plan of salvation (Ephesians 1:5). In fact, there were many prominent personalities in the Bible who, through adoption, were able to go on to achieve great things for God (E.g. Ruth, Moses, Esther).<\/p>\n

Looking back, even though these were important questions to address pre-adoption, we now hardly even remember that our son was adopted. Strangely, once we held him in our arms, he is ours. Our extended family embraced him fully too. This only proves that love transcends boundaries, even science and faith.<\/p>\n

2. Money Money Money (Part 1) \u2013 The Business of Adoption<\/strong><\/p>\n

The actual legal and admin costs of adoption are actually quite nominal. For privately arranged adoptions (meaning you adopt the baby directly from biological parents whom you know), these costs can be in the region of S$10k (with legal costs about S$4K and hospitalization costs, depending on which hospital and antenatal packages the biological Mum has chosen, all thrown in). Typically being Asians, adoptive parents would also give a \u2018Red Packet\u2019 to the biological parents as a gesture of appreciation.<\/p>\n

However, once an adoption agent steps into the picture, the costs inflate. Granted, the agent handles all the administrative and legal process for adoptive parents by being the ‘middle-men’, giving the both parties the ‘anonymity’ of a closed adoption and that \u2018peace of mind\u2019. I must admit too that without these agents, we might never be able to locate a baby to adopt.  Still, the fees they command are staggering.<\/p>\n

Four years ago, when we started inquiring about adopting a sibling for Dana, the price quoted by registered private adoption agencies was about S$25k for a Singaporean baby. In 2014, we were charged close to S$40K. This fees cover all legal and pre- and post-delivery hospitalization costs. It is an open secret that the price of the child is largely dependent on market forces, supply & demand, gender, race and nationality (Singapore babies cost more than foreign ones) etc. <\/p>\n

Price of babies, sadly, are like commodities. It’s ironic that in Singapore, getting an abortion is far cheaper (and faster) than adoption.<\/p>\n

During our interview with the welfare officer from the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), we voiced our discomfort about how adoption of children is treated like a trade and asked him what the Ministry is doing to manage it. The officer told us that while the MSF is aware of the ‘modus operand\u012b’<\/span> and they are \u2018monitoring\u2019 the prices and practices of the various adoption agencies, due to some Hague Adoption Convention<\/span> treaty, there is not much that can be done. For now, contracts between adoptive parents and the biological parents are treated as such \u2013 business contracts, with the authorized agents acting as middle-men.<\/p>\n

So, as it seems, sadly, there is not much the MSF can do at present to regulate the \u2018business\u2019 of adoption apart from conducting stringent checks that adopted children go to good homes.  <\/p>\n

3. Money Money Money (Part 2) \u2013 The Opportunists<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because of the high cost involved, we spent about four years trying to network with others so that we can adopt directly without using an agent (which is allowed). During that time, we were approached by couples privately – some out of need but most are those who wanted to take advantage of prospective adoptive parents to make a quick buck. We remember some of those.<\/p>\n

There was a young Singaporean couple (husband was Chinese, wife was Indian) in their early 20s who decided to give up their two month old baby girl. They were genuine and wanted to start their lives afresh in a new country. They handed us their daughter for one day so that we could bring her for health checks at the hospital (they were very trusting!). That night, when they came to pick the baby, they had changed their minds and decided to keep the baby. We respected their decision and thought it was better for the baby to grow up with the biological family but the last we heard, they had gone their separate ways and undergoing divorce.<\/p>\n

Then there was the Mother and Daughter duo from Sabah. The daughter contacted Angie via email and said they have a newborn child to give up for adoption due to their financial struggles. The couple had 3 older primary-school going kids and couldn’t make ends meet. They had wanted us to meet them at the Sabah airport with the payment for the baby in cash, which was in the region of 30k Malaysian Ringgit. We tried to explain that it would be impossible for me to bring such a big amount of cash across customs and offered to wire to their bank account, which may take a few days. We offered to pay a deposit in advance so they can bring the baby for a health check up. They agreed. So, we wired them S$500 in good faith to show our sincerity. However, after the check up, the biological Mother (and Grandmother) still insisted that they will not meet us or release the baby until the full amount was transferred into their bank. At that point, we decided that the risk was too high especially since it involves overseas transaction where we virtually have no form of protection. So, sadly, we had to turn it down.<\/p>\n

The last one was clearly a scam: Angie was approached by a heavily pregnant Singaporean Chinese lady in her mid-20s offering to put her unborn child up for adoption. Since it was a privately arranged adoption, we were able to negotiate the price down to S$20k. She had furnished us scanned copies of the baby\u2019s ultrasound scans and everything seemed fine except that she was reluctant to involve a lawyer (which is a necessary part of the legal process) and also reluctant for us to meet her husband. I sensed something fishy. We then suggested meeting her Mother (or at least one family member) to confirm that they were in the know that she was giving the unborn child up for adoption. <\/p>\n

Every time the appointment to meet her family draws near, she would invariably cancel it. She then demanded that we pay the entire amount up front as the family was in a financial crisis but she was adamant not to to involve our lawyer to make the transaction legit. Finally, with a heavy heart, I persuaded Angie to let this chance go. Though her asking price was cheaper than an agent’s, it is still a large amount and the circumstances too shady. The negotiations, which took a few months, ended with her accusing us of not trusting in her.<\/p>\n

Months later, we read on the news that two couples were suing a local Singaporean lady for promising them her unborn child and then after having gotten their monies and giving birth, she rescinded on the agreements and declared she was unable to pay them back due to financial difficulties. We knew it was the same lady who nearly scammed us.<\/p>\n

All these missed opportunities were painful for us, especially for Angie who had to endure the emotional roller-coaster rides of having our hopes of having another child dashed time and again.  But herein lies the reality – that there are people putting their children up for sale for financial gains. Whether legit or otherwise, the system seems to allow them to keep giving birth and keep selling their children, even locally. In the process, they take advantage of vulnerable couples like us who long to have kids via adoption.<\/p>\n

Initially, being idealistic, we were hesitant to engage the services of adoption agents. Costs aside, we were not comfortable with how the whole adoption ‘business’ was carried out, particularly with Malaysian and Indonesian babies. Babies from these countries can be brought into Singapore for \u2018viewing\u2019 by their nannies as long as the child has a valid passport. One agent we contacted even said we can view a few babies at one go in his flat. Alternatively, some agents provide a photo-catalogue of these babies for adoptive couples to pick from. Given our repeated failed attempts to adopt privately, we finally sought the help of an agent at our friends’ recommendation, whom we feel treats babies far more respectfully than others.<\/p>\n

4. Home Affairs \u2013 Setting Up, Getting Help<\/strong><\/p>\n

Alexander\u2019s arrival to our home happened overnight, literally. We had asked the agent to help us source for a baby and for months, we have not heard anything. Then, one phone call on a Monday afternoon and that all changed. While we were prepared to have a baby join our hearts but the home was not quite set up yet. So though we were overjoyed, the romantic notion of having a new baby soon gave way to practical panic.<\/p>\n

Since it was six years since we last had a baby, there was not a single diaper, no sterilizer, no pacifier, no bottles, no milk powder\u2026yes, nothing! Fortunately, the agent gave us some diapers, a small can of milk powder and a milk bottle to last the night.<\/p>\n

Here, we want to once again thank the few friends who \u2018sprang into action\u2019 like a well-oiled Kampung, offering us essentials we needed for Alexander. Within 24 hours, our home was set back in time to once whence a baby was home (even the car was not \u2018spared\u2019 and was equipped with a baby seat within a few days!). We cannot thank these friends enough. You ladies know who you are and we will always remember your kind deeds.<\/p>\n

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5. The Necessary Evils \u2013 The Admin and Legal Processes<\/strong><\/p>\n

Following Alexander\u2019s arrival, we began the long drawn administrative and legal process in addition to the demands of caring for a newborn.<\/p>\n

For adoptive parents, the challenges were compounded by the fact that we couldn\u2019t enjoy the much-needed maternity and paternity leave right away from the moment we welcomed the baby home, despite the fact that ours was a newborn who needed the same level of care as any newborns. Employers needed to ensure that the Adoption Order is granted in principle first before granting adoption leave.<\/p>\n

In the first few months of Alexander\u2019s arrival, we struggled with work as well as with the caring of our newborn in addition to caring for our lively six year old daughter. Fortunately, after getting the in-principle adoption approval from the court, Angie’s employer was able to grant her partial adoption leave. I was finally eligible to apply for my paternity leave (from Civil Service) after the entire process was completed and by then Alexander was already ten months old.<\/p>\n

Adoption leave for adoptive Mothers was far shorter than that for biological Mothers – four weeks of adoption leave compared to four months paid maternity leave. While we understand that the biological Mothers need to recuperate, we had hoped that adoptive Mothers can also be given more time to bond with their adopted babies.<\/p>\n

To make matters worse, the MSF Welfare Officer who interviewed us (there were a series of interviews adoptive parents had to undergo) sat on our documents (yes, adoptive parents have to submit a whole range of Home Study Report documentation to prove to the state that you are worthy to be parents). When Alexander turned six months old, we wrote in to ask for an update and MSF notified us that our documents had not been submitted to the Family Court! We were appalled. For adoptive parents, the quick completion of the adoption process is very important, not only does it legalize the adoption, it also meant that we could purchase health and hospitalization insurance policies for our baby! So, in those few long months, every blood test, every immunization, every pediatrician visit, we could not get any subsidies whatsoever from any hospitals or polyclinics as he was not yet legally our child.<\/p>\n

We raised our displeasure to MSF and the matter was expedited promptly with an apology from the management.  Finally, at ten months, Alexander received his new birth certificate, shares our family name and the adoption process was legally completed. He is now forever ours! We heaved a huge sigh of relief. What joy and what a journey!<\/p>\n

After-thoughts on Adoption:<\/strong><\/p>\n

How does it feel to adopt a child?  <\/p>\n

To tell the truth, we can\u2019t even remember that Alexander is adopted. When he’s your child, he’s your child. We sometimes were reminded about the arduous adoption process which we went through. Other than that, there\u2019s only love. If I knew that adoption feels so natural, I would have done so long ago and spared Angie the pain of IVF treatments and anguish of multiple child-losses.<\/p>\n

Apart from the usual adjustments of having a newborn in the house, there are no other adjustment issues whatsoever. Everything is natural and perfect. Perhaps but one thing: the insensitive relative or nosey \u2018friend\u2019 who may poke and ask about \u2018the price\u2019 or \u2018the background\u2019 of the baby (i.e. Where is your baby from? How much? etc.) Ya, we all know some of these folks, don\u2019t we? The good news is there is a separate group of people whom you will want to mix with – fellow adoptive families who have gone down the same path and can identify with the struggles and victories. They form an important support group not just for yourselves but for your kids.  Touch Community Services run a group called Touch Adoptive Families Network<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Genetics? Apart from health background (which can be checked via the agent or the biological parents), others like habits, behaviours and values which the child will grow to have, are largely dependent on his upbringing and has nothing to do with his genetic background. So, don\u2019t worry, go on and be the best parents you can be. Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.<\/p>\n

It is our hope that this whole ‘adoption’ industry will be regulated so that babies and children given up for adoption will be treated less like ‘commodities’. It would also be a breakthrough if the administrative red tape can be simplified so that more prospective adoptive parents who were once deterred by the high costs and long, intrusive process of adoption can welcome a child of their own into their hearts and homes.  For now, we\u2019re just thankful to have Alexander complete our family. We take this sacred responsibility seriously, knowing full-well that he is God\u2019s charge to us.<\/p>\n

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Disclaimer: Every adoptive family’s journey is unique to their own. We are sharing our personal experiences of adopting our son.  Some families may have a smoother ride. Just so happens that our journey to parenthood was way more bumpy but prayerfully, we aspire to use it for a higher purpose.<\/p>\n